Anyway, what I wanted to talk to you about is something that's been on my mind lately and maybe's occurred to you too. With the mega deal and all of AA's rearranging of this team and all the hopes and expectations that have materialized out of nowhere there are a lot of new fans jumping on board the HMS Blue Jay Bandwagon and some of those ‘fans' are not going to be the best of people. Throw in the fact that our last manager spurned the entire city, the fan base and the country by dissing our team to get his dream job in Boston after assuring us he was happy here. If there is one thing that Torontonians hate it's sports figures leaving town for perceived greener pastures. Just mention Vince Carter's name out loud next time you ride the bus, I guarantee someone will boo you.
I was thinking about going to see the 4th game of the 2013 season against the hated Boston Bean eaters but I hesitate because I believe the crowd will be over ripe with agro bandwagon jumping douchebags. It's been a growing trend whenever I've seen big crowds come back to Skydome.
To the girl who threw the foul ball back onto the field that cost Roy to lose focus and his shutout against AJ and the Yankees I'm looking at you and all your friends! It's going to be worse then ever this year.
So without further ado I present to you my 5 rules for dealing with douchery down at the dome and 6 more for when it goes bad.
1. Be Aware -it's most imperative to spot the douchebags in your section and quickly identify the harmless idiots from the potentially violent douchbags. Pick out the wild cards and power drinkers early and keep an eye on them throughout the game.
2. Make Certain-if you are moving down to better seats realize that you are now the douche and you had better make damn sure that the owner isn't coming back. You don't want to find out you've now occupied a much bigger douche's seat.
3. Know Your Limits-If it comes to violence make sure you analyze the situation properly. If you weigh 120 pounds, you will probably not be able to win a fight against three 300-pound ultimate fighters. Know your limits. If you know you can't win, run away and find an ETF officer to hide behind.
4. Avoid Douches- stay home; watch the game on TV from the comfort of your living room. You can happily live blog the game with all your cyber friends here on the greatest Baseball site in the world. You can get as drunk as you want and no one will be the wiser.
If you find yourself in harms' way where you are forced to choose violence:
5. Don't. You are smarter than this. There is too much you can't control. Even as it starts, know that it will be fast, faster than you could ever imagine and it'll be over before your brain has realized what's going on. Remember Patrick Swayze's words in the movie Roadhouse: 'No one ever wins a fight'. So just don't, exit stage left and peace on out as casually as you can.
But let's assume the douche wad at the dome has chosen for you and you are forced to defend yourself. You called him on one too many statistical errors in his baseball heckling and he can stand no more, so it's clobbering time.
6. Avoid Punching -a bare knuckle donnybrook at the Rogers Center is not something you want to sign up for. Hit with an open hand, known as a palm strike or elbows are your safest bets.
7. Go for the Quick KO- if you don't have a weapon, strike your foe before he's made his move. This takes balls on your part and guarantees you won't be talking your way out of this so make it count! Try to connect at the point where the jawbone connects to the side of the head. If you hit him hard enough, he won't be getting back up.
8. Be Ready, Act Decisively - This is if you're going to wait to be attacked. You have to fight back now and it's got to happen fast. Like my Daddy used to say: if you're going to do something be aggressive. A head-butt to the bridge of the nose is perfectly acceptable. A knee shot to the groin is even better. Elbows can be devastating if you can hit your target.
9. Gravity is Your Friend -I can't stress this enough, if your assailant is in a row above you, especially in the 500 levels, with those steep angles it is always better to run away -to the row above your assailant. Once you have the height advantage and gravity on your side you can start raining bombs on said douche repeatedly.
10. Never Underestimate- assume that your opponent is a trained fighter and wants to kill you. If a weapon is available, use it because your opponent certainly will. A weapon can be anything from a lighter wrapped in your fist to one of EE's baseball bats lost in the stands. If you are in a life or death situation, all's fair. Use whatever is available to defend yourself.
11. Quit While You're Ahead- after landing a successful attack reassess the situation. In the eyes of the law once you have immobilized a person you are no longer acting in self-defense. This means if you continue beating someone who is laying on the ground you will not be able to claim that you were in danger. If your opponent is no longer on his feet or is no longer attempting to engage now's a good time to get some witnesses on your side before the crushers arrive.
And that my friends is what we call useful advice. I hope no one has to use it but I can almost guarentee it's going to be a festival of meat-bags yelling, screaming and swearing whenever John Farrell sticks his head out of the dugout. The days of Sparky Anderson telling Jay fans to shut up and them doing it are deader then the man himself.