Don't look so blue, new caps are coming! - Jonathan Ferrey
A highly-placed source within the Toronto Blue Jays organization has supplied Bluebird Banter's Minor Leaguer with exclusive leaks of eight new Blue Jays caps to be introduced for the 2013 season.
This week, the biggest story in baseball--no, in sports--was undoubtedly the leak of the New York Mets' new "interview / clubhouse" cap to MetsBro Blog which was picked up by uniform scholar Paul Lukas of Uni-Watch / ESPN. This, combined with the recent leak of new batting practice caps unveils a new strategy by Major League Baseball to create a series of context-dependent caps for their players and coaches to wear to let you know exactly what was happening when that player was wearing the cap. Gone are the days when you had to guess the if a photo of your favourite player was taken during a game or an interview.
Sure, some people may accuse the new caps as a money grab by Major League Baseball because fans mindlessly buy whatever players wear, as exemplified by the clever use of dollar signs in this post title from The Good Phight. Well it really is, and I have no problem with it. You know what it's called? Capitalism. Those who find problems with the new caps are freedom-hating communists (look at the abundant use of red on the Phillies' cap and The Good Phight's website). If you're one of them you're probably waiting for Castro to invade so the government will just hand out one of these new caps to you in a re-distribution of caps program. 1776 will commence again if you try to take our caps!
In any case, a highly-placed source within the Toronto Blue Jays organization has leaked the designs for eight never-before-seen Blue Jays caps to be worn during the 2013 season, plus one that didn't make the cut:
1. Interview / Clubhouse Cap
In the past, some players liked to wear nothing but a towel during post-game clubhouse interviews, but it's 2013 and it's about time to class it up. Similar to the leaked Mets' cap, the Jays' version will have their team name written across the front along with a logo to remind reporters and fans to which league they belong. $44.99.
2. Batting Practice Helmets
If teams wear different caps for batting practice, why should the batter wear a regular game-style helmet? Manufacturing secret: these batting practice helmets are actually just last year's used helmets with a maple leaf sticker from Home Hardware slapped on to them. $149.99.
3. Spring Training Cap
The Blue Jays created this cap because, unlike other teams, they recognize that it's stupid to wear a batting practice cap during Spring Training games. Duh, it's not batting practice, it's a practice game. Also: this will sell really well to hipsters who like white panel caps, and the removal of the maple leaf will certainly appeal to Americans and Pauline Marois. $44.99.
4. Shower Cap
All players will be required to wear the official shower cap in the shower (an MLB branding officer will be present to take photographic and video evidence) and during all rain delays. $28.99 (package of 3).
5. St. Patrick's Day Cap
This cap will be worn once only, during the March 17, 2013 Spring Training game against the AAA Houston Astros. Unlike other baseball caps, this one lacks ventilation holes which allows it to be used to first hold beer then later vomit. $39.99.
6. Victoria Day Cap
The Atlanta Braves and the Blue Jays are two teams to use a drawing of a person on a cap in 2013 in order to honour the Aboriginal peoples of North America. The Blue Jays have chosen Her Majesty Queen Victoria, or "The Big White Mother" of Canadian Indians. This cap will be worn on the May 20th game against the Rays and again a week later when the Jays face the Braves. $39.99. Commemorative plate with Queen Victoria wearing a Blue Jays jersey also available.
7. Anthem Cap
A much-enjoyed tradition at baseball games is the singing of the national anthem(s) before first pitch, where players and coaches from both teams line up in front of their respective dugouts holding their cap in front of their respective hearts. Unfortunately, because of the way the caps are typically held, the cap logo is not visible when the camera pans in front of the row of patriots. To increase brand awareness, Major League Baseball will be rolling out anthem caps. These caps are to be only held over the heart and must never be worn on the head (as they may contain mercury and cadmium). $44.99.
8. Bull Pen Cap
Relievers have complained for decades about the lack of respect for them as they appear to not do much for the first few innings. Starting in 2013, Blue Jays relievers will be wearing these patent-pending bull pen caps. This will make the pitchers look dignified as they spend the first half of the game eating seeds, drinking Gatorade, and whistling at female fans. Held over an eye, it can be used as a pretend telescope to help relievers steal signs for Jays batters. However, they should be made aware that the opening at the top of their headwear will allow fans with good aim to throw debris onto their heads. Can also be used as a vuvuzela as well as a cap for a gigantic pen. $54.99.
9. Salary Cap
This type of cap was designed and proposed several times, but was rejected every single time. This will not be introduced into Major League Baseball for the conceivable future. It's more likely that Major League Baseball will introduce mandatory caps for all trees near a MLB ballpark and Christmas caps for the Winter Meetings before this ever sees the light of day.
This article is satire. Please do not mistake this for real news. Yes I'm talking to you, People's Daily.
Do you have an idea for a Blue Jays cap? Here is a plain blank blue cap and a blank blue cap with a white front panel. Submit your designs in the comments!