Apologies to Dr Seuss: The Grinch Who Stole The Jays 2013 Season

Charles LeClaire-USA TODAY Sport

Every Fan Down in Jaysland Liked the 2012 offseason a lot... But the Grinch,Who lived to the south and east of Jaysland, Did NOT! The Grinch hated the offseason! The whole dang offseason! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that his cleats were too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all, May have been that his UCL was two sizes too small. Whatever the reason, His UCL or his cleats, He stood there during the 2012 offseason, hating the Jays.

Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown, At the warm lighted glow below in that town. For he knew every fan down in Jaysland it seems, Was busy now, dreaming of a playoff team. "And they're hanging their banners!" he snarled with a sneer, "Tomorrow could be a World Series! It's practically here!" Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming, "I MUST find some way to stop a World Series from coming!" For the 2013 season, he knew, all the fan girls and boys, Would come to the Dome bright and early. They'd cheer for their boys! And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise! That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! Then the fans, young and old, would cheer the Jays winning the East. That damn East! And all they'd talk about is winning the East! THE EAST! EAST! EAST! EAST!

They would be a beast with good pitching, and winning the AL Beast. Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least! And THEN They'd do something He liked least of all! Every Fan down in Jaysland, the tall and the small, Would stand close together, with together. They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the fans would start singing! They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING "OKAY BLUE JAYS LET'S PLAY BALL" And the more the Grinch thought of Jays fans celebrating, The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!" "Why, for twenty years I've enjoyed a playoff free season!" "I MUST stop this championship from coming! But HOW?" Then he got an idea! An awful idea! THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat. And he made a quick red hat and a coat. And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!" "With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!" "Now to stop the Jays I need is an assassin..." The Grinch looked around. But, since assassins were scarce, there was none to be found. Did that stop the old Grinch? No! The Grinch simply said, "If I can't find an assassin, I'll use Murphy's Law instead!"

All the fans were all dreaming playoff dreams without care. When he came to the white Dome Stadium in Toronto fair. "This is stop number one," the old Grinchy Claus hissed, And he scampered down the roof, a bag of Murphy curse dust in his fist. Then he slid down the roof. He cracked one tooth. But, if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch. He got stuck only once, for a moment or four. Then he stuck his head past the clubhouse door. Where the new Jay pitcher lockers were standing in a row. "These starting pitchers," he grinned, "are the first things to go!" Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most bitter, Around the whole room, and he Murphy'ed every starting pitcher! Home runs! Higher BB%! BABIped! Bad Defense! Hit Batters! Injuries! Lower velocity! And passed balls! And he put BABip curses in ball bags. Then the Grinch, very nimbly, replaced all the bags, one by one, so to end their joy swiftly!

Then he slunk to the bat rack. He took the Jay's offense! He broke the Jay's bats! He spared no expense! He made their bats so weak as to be cruel. Why, that Grinch even took Brett's last can of Red Bull! Then he Murphied all the bats on the rack with glee. "And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will F up the D!" And the Grinch grabbed the gloves, and he started to shred, When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. He turned around fast, and he saw a handsome Jay! Big JPA, who had just played two (full seasons.) The Grinch had been caught by this handsome Jay catcher, Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water. He stared at the Grinch and said, "Santy Claus, why," "Why are you messing up our 2013 season? WHY?" But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick, He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! "Why, my sweet catcher," the fake Santy Claus lied, "I think you'll win if you just swing swing swing." "I'm telling you walks are overrated, my dear." "Just swing at every high fastball and slider in the dirt and you'll hit them over the fence here." And his fib fooled the catcher. Then he patted his head, And he got him a drink and he sent him to bed. And when JPA went to bed with his cup, HE had on his evil smile knowing he messed JPA's mind up!

"PoohPooh to the fans!" he was grinchishly humming. "They're finding out now that no World Series is coming!" "They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!" "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two, Then the Fans down in Jaysland will all cry BooHoo!" "That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "That I simply MUST hear!" So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising over the snow. It started in low. Then it started to grow.

He stared down at Jaysland! The Grinch had glee in his eyes! Then he laughed! What he saw was a joyous view! Every Fan down in Jaysland, the tall and the small, Was crying! Without any pennants at all! He HAD stopped the World Series from coming! IT NEVER WAS! Somehow or other, though the fans just showed! And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow, Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?" "2013 came without playoffs! It came without banners!" "It came without highlights, healthy hip flexors or winners!"

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! "Maybe a championship," he thought, "doesn't come from a trade with Miami." "Maybe there's hope here...perhaps...means a little bit more!" And what happened then? Well...in Jaysland they say, That the Grinch's UCL Grew three sizes that day! And the minute his elbow didn't feel quite so tight, He decided against that through the bright morning light, And he brought back the heat! And pitching for the Jays against the East! And he, HE HIMSELF! The Grinch had won the AL Beast!

Happy Holidays all.

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