A great new tradition at Bluebird Banter has been the high amount of fantastic rants posted in the recap threads after losses this season. The insight the ranter brings combined with the fresh sting of a tough loss always results in a well thought out piece of literature that is well worth the time to read. Although it's clear most people know how exactly how to write a flawless post-game rant, I actually teach an online class on how to get your point across most effectively in these sorts of things. I am now here to offer some tips, free of charge to fellow Bluebird Banterers.
Win Your Argument In The First Sentence
The most important part of a post-game rant is the first sentence. By telling people that you're the only person who knows what's wrong with the team, you automatically make all replies to your post irrelevant. You've won! If only you realize what's going awry with the 2013 Blue Jays, then people should just shut up and listen, you're doing them a huge favour by not keeping the insight secret. An example for all you fine folks:
Not sure why any of you idiots can't see what's wrong with this team, but it's pretty obvious to me.
Drop Knowledge Bombs
You need to find yourself a narrative and you need throw a bunch of crap at the wall until it sticks. Pick the Blue Jays player you hate the most and make a case why he should be traded to Japan. Pick your favourite prospect and prove why he should be on the Blue Jays RIGHT NOW. Remember that you're doing everyone else a favour by giving insight, so don't be afraid to be over the top with your suggestions. Let's see how this should look:
The only problem with the team is that Adam Lind should NOT be on the roster. He's hit .220 in his career against lefties and is essentially USELESS. He should be SENT DOWN to Vancouver and have Mauro Gomez take his spot. Gomez won MVP in the minors! Did Lind ever do that?!
There's a few other important pieces of advice in this example. First off, you don't even have to be right. I sound so sure of myself in that example that no one is going to question whether Adam Lind actually did win a MVP award in the minor leagues or not. He totally did too! Also, you have to use CAPS LOCK generously. Science has proven that eyes are attracted to capital letters and are more likely to believe someone who uses randomly placed CAPS.
Call For Some Heads
After a tough loss is the perfect time to evaluate the staff of the Blue Jays. There is no time where you'll be more rational and sensible than right after a loss that puts your favourite baseball team double digits games back of the division leader less than a quarter of the way into the season. Remember that correlation equals causation and any of the team's shortcomings can be directly traced back to some member of the coaching staff. Plus, if any players are not performing up to expectations, it's pretty obvious the GM needs to be kicked to the curb. He has a scouting background so he definitely should have seen it coming. Watch and learn:
The Blue Jays have one of the worst team On-Base Percentages in the league and I don't understand why the hitting coach hasn't been fired yet. He shouldn't even be allowed to teach high school baseball!11 The pitching coach should be gone as well as the team has a horrible strand rate. Why does a pitching coach have a job if his staff only leaves 70.5% of runners on base? Is he even trying to be a good coach?! Plus, how did Alex Anthopoulos not know that Jose Reyes' ankle was so weak? Did he not examine the X-rays before trading for him or know that Mark Buehrle would pitch so poorly without his dogs by his side. A general manager this incompetent should not be employed by any baseball team. Plus John Gibbons didn't realize only one of Clay Buchholz's arms was sweating so he should also be canned.
Leave With A Parting Shot
Now that you've put all the idiots in their place you need to rub salt on their wounds. There's a number of ways this could be done but here's some good ideas:
- Let the reader know they're mindless Rogers puppets
- Laugh at the reader for wasting their time watching/caring about this team
- Just swear a lot
That kool-aid must have been real strong for all you guys to still be watching this stupid team. Maybe try going outside every once in a while and you'll realize all the problems wrong with this team too. I'll come back to this team next spring only if they make some moves that show they clearly want to win. None of this treading water crap every off-season. Peace losers!
I hope you all now know how to construct a fool proof post game rant. You're welcome.