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Coming Attactions

I wrote the following article for a very cool Tampa Bay Devil Rays Blog called Rays Index!  Check them out for a good giggle about our 5th place friends down south!  Gooooo Rays!  

P.S. Delmon Young is on my fantasy team so this BETTER be THE YEAR!

Toronto Blue Jays: Coming Attractions

Baseball is the great social game. It's a drama that unfolds before your eyes every summer. Unless Bud the Spud and Don Fehr get giddy, the 162 stage appearances a year allow you to really... truly... turn your favorite ballplayers into one dimensional, personified, exaggerated imaginary characters. So in that spirit, we look at the Toronto Blue Jays.

Last year, the Jays really made up some ground and finished one game above the Boston Red Sox who could have used some Dr. Phil assistance by the end of the season. We were all DELIGHTED. It made the parade down Young Street extra special. This season, the Jays (armed with ace sharp shooters like Jason Smith, Royce Clayton, and Matt Stairs) are aiming high... 2 games above the Red Sox.

Around the horn

3B: Troy Glaus: I'm honestly not sure if big boy could touch his toes if he tried. Bending does not appear to be one of his strengths. Yet last season, Johnny "Boomhower" Gibbons played him at shortstop. Should you be able to do more than hope a ball bounces up to you before you get to play short?

SS: Royce Clayton: I feel a great sense of loss that Royce shaved off the dreads. Maybe they were just a weave? Can't say too many Clayton jerseys have sold on the mean streets of TO this winter.

2B: Aaron Hill: A disproportionate number of Jays fans LOVE this guy. Likely because he reminds us of us. Kind of a short, elf-like, white guys. Tries real hard. So did Rudy. You know what Rudy was? Some dude who played one down of college football. ODog come home!!!

1B: Lyle Overbay: Toronto is getting a man-crush on Lyle. He is pretty foxy. Yet the word that is most often used is "steady"... like John Olerud. Now, it's baseball... so that's a good thing... but how many fantasy drafts had Overbay taken this season? Still average.

C- Greg Zaun: Whatever. Did you Tampa Bay folks know that people at Rogers Center dress up as "Zaunbie's". Honestly. You should pass that on to the psychopath who heckles behind home plate in your empty stadium. I'm sure he'd like to know.

The Outfield

LF: Reed Johnson: Did you realize that Reed Johnson finished 10th in the AL in average last year? We had no idea! The word used most commonly to describe Reed Johnson... "sparkplug". Kind of another backhand compliment methinks. BUT... the no doubt winner of the weirdest facial hair contest!

CF: Vernon Wells: I bow down in reverence to thou oh great and mighty Vernon. Your countenance shines upon as we approach your throne in the middle of the "tried unsuccessfully to look like real" grass. Vernon... it is only by your grace and mercy that are able to merely dwell in your presence. Seriously... he's good.

RF: Alex Rios: A couple of years ago when Rios and Chris Bosh were both rookies, I proposed a reality show called... "Get me fat" when a team force-fed these two bean poles in a desperate effort to make sure they didn't get blown away in a stiff breeze. If Rios can avoid the foot fungus this season, he's going to be a true great white north beauty eh!

Starting Rotation: "How many do we get again?"

#1 Roy Halliday: Try and keep this down. But Roy is very good. If this secret gets out, I'm afraid he'll bolt for the Rays... ha ha ha... oh wait, he's under a long term deal now worth less that Vernon's. I'm openly gloating to be able to watch Roy this much.

#2 AJ Burnett: Sure the guy's is a head case. Sure the guy is tattooed like a circus freak. Sure the guy has nipple rings... but so did Ghandi. I think THIS is THE YEAR for juice Burnett. But I've been saying that for a long time... and will continue to think this way as long as I have to make in happen.

#3 Gus Chacin: Is it widespread public knowledge that last season, a male cologne called "Chacin" was actually manufactured? If everyone doesn't know, you should discover more... it's awesome. Isn't this the face of a fragrance magnate?

#4 & #5 Tomo Ohka, John Thompson, Josh Towers, Victor Zambrano, Shawn Marcum, Casey Jansen, Dustin McGowen...
Let's decide this in the way that decisions were meant to be made... in a large scale, best 2 out of 3, paper-rock-scissors competition.

The Pen

BJ Ryan: Hands down the largest head I've ever seen. It's a watermelon covered in a shaggy blonde mullet. That alone should make him the closer... and the fact that people swing like a mental patient on roofies at his pitches... that too.

And the rest... I always felt terrible on Gilligan's Island for The Professor and Mary-Ann, as they weren't included in the 1st version of the theme song. They were called "and the rest". Really? I would say that they were AT LEAST as important as Lovely Howell!

Well that's what the rest of the Jays bullpen is... "and the rest". It's still a bit puzzling that they didn't splurge to keep Justin Spier as a set up man, but so be it. Bullpens are unpredictable. They change from season to season... you know... like the size of Sammy Sosa.


  1. I will go to the home opener and will complain about how ugly the dome is, while remembering what it was like watching April baseball in the snow
  2. The Jays WILL be very active traders this season and the lineup listed above could change drastically by mid season.
  3. The Jays WILL compete, even if from an arm's length, with the Yanks and Sox. I do believe they have an honest shot at a Wild Card.
  4. The pschopath sitting behind home plate at "The Trop" will use the word "Zaunbie" this season. When it happens, somebody email me OK?
Dave Carrol
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