TACO STAND - THE ASTONISHING TALE OF THE STANKIEST YANKEE
Welcome to the Taco Stand, my irregular column looking at interesting, totally accurate, and completely factual tidbits to tantalize your brain's taste buds. Today I'd like to introduce a segment I like to call Know Thy Enemy – a look at some of the fearsome foes the Blue Jays are set to face.
As Blue Jays fans we are legally obligated to be of the opinion that the New York Yankees stink. But did you know that there is one particular Yankee that has a rather unique, peculiar stench? I'm speaking, of course, of Gerrit Cole and how he reeks of oysters, turpentine, mint, and deep-fried lederhosen (which may or may not have once belonged to Taylor Swift).
We will begin with the easiest of Gerrit Cole's odors to explain. Gerrit Cole simply loves oysters. In his down time, he can be found spending many an hour in one of New York's various oyster bars. Many consider it to be his greatest vice. When someone consumes the sheer volume of oysters that Gerrit Cole does, one cannot help but begin to waft an oystery scent.
The next facet of Gerrit Cole's unusual bouquet is actually attributed to an oddity in his phisiology. Gerrit Cole suffers from a rare condition known as Turpentine Diaphoresis. He literally sweats turpentine instead of, well, sweat. This uncommon ailment is known to afflict approximately only one in ten billion, so Gerrit Cole is likely to bear this burden alone for the foreseeable future. When he physically exerts himself, instead of excreting a salty water from his pores to cool his body he produces pure turpentine. This causes no harmful side effects to Gerrit Cole or those around him, although it is not recommended to lick him during strenuous activity. It is also why Gerrit Cole is considering becoming a professional painter once he retires from baseball, as this ability may prove to be beneficial in such a field.
It is a little known fact that Gerrit Cole spent a portion of his youth living in Gotham City. In fact, it is a part of his life he'd rather forget. Young Gerrit Cole, known then as Cerrit Gole, fell in with a group of ne'er-do-wells committing petty crimes and being general nuisances. One fateful evening, this group attracted the attention of the Caped Crusader. In a desperate bid to escape the Dark Knight, Cerrit Gole fled to an old, abandoned Scope factory. While racing along a precarious catwalk Cerrit Gole stepped on an errant banana peel, slipping and plummeting into a vat of Scope Classic Mint Mouthwash. Leaving his quarry for dead, The Batman left in pursuit of the other members of the gang. Cerrit Gole pulled himself from the refreshing liquid and subsequently left Gotham, changing his name to Gerrit Cole and leaving the life of crime behind him forever with only the lingering scent of mint to serve as a reminder.
The last part of Gerrit Cole's abnormal aroma can be accounted by his hobby. When he's not dealing on the mound, Gerrit Cole deals tasty treats at a traveling Oktoberfest-themed carnival's concession stand. Generally he can only partake of this activity in the off-season as his duties with the Yankees keep him quite busy, but Gerrit Cole is known to labour over a deep fryer perfectly preparing lederhosen to thrill and delight the attending buam and madln . Rumour has it that Taylor Swift herself donated some of the lederhosen that winds up in Gerrit Cole's basket, but this has yet to be substantiated. And anyone that's worked in a fast food kitchen for any period of time can attest that the scent lingers.
Well, there you have it. The Yankees may stink, but at least Gerrit Cole has reasons for it. Originally this was going to be a ten part series, but in the interest of brevity I pared it down to a single periodical. If anyone from the Blue Jays organization happens to read this, please consider it the stick I'm poking you with and saying "do something."
The Taco Stand is best consumed in close proximity to a toilet.