TACO STAND – THE PROS AND CONS OF SIGNING JUSTIN TURNER
Welcome to the Taco Stand, a tongue-in-shell look at the Blue Jays, Baseball, and other topics I tangentially connect to the two. In this edition, the first official one, I’m going to take a look at some of the pros and cons of Jay’s new, hot addition: The Big Red Ballerina himself, Justin Turner.
Pro: His Big Red Bat
It’s no secret that the Jays signed Turner mainly for his bat. And it’s a pretty solid bat. It may not be fully red hot, but it’s still pretty darn good. Turner has a career slash line of .288/.363/.465 and a recent 2023 slash line of .276/.345/.455. To put that in perspective, the MLB average for 2023 was .248/.320/.414. So, if he continues to be an above-average bat, that could be pretty good to slot in the lineup on a regular basis. He’s also been pretty solid against them dang Lefties, with a 2023 slash of .285/.372/.528 against LHP. So as far as a DH bat goes, this one could be a winner.
Con: He’s A Slow Old Man
Rumour has it that in his youth, Justin used to rip up and down the main drag in his T-Bird, rocking out to Meatloaf on the 8-Track. This fella is so close to Generation X that you can get a faint whiff of pleather and zippers when you get too close to him. What I’m trying to say is that he’s old. 39 years and 2 or so months old. That’s like in his 80s in athlete years! Now sure, with advances in modern medicine, players have been able to extend into their later years more frequently. But let’s face it, Justin Turner is no Tim Braby (that perfect-spiralling quarter of a handegger’s back). There’s a chance that wear and tear catches up with him, and he spends time on the IL. Or he just flat-out needs more rest than the young bucks. That said, last year, he appeared in 146 games, so he may just be staving Father Time off for now.
Pro: His Age!
Justin Turner is 39 years old! Sure, that might seem like a con to a complete fool, but to me, that means he will be ripe for jokes! Bingo jokes, early bedtime jokes, sleepy jokes, joke types that I haven’t thought of yet! That’s a win in my books. Buckle up, dear reader; this is going to be a ride.
Con: His Unruly Red Mop
Although he’s been known to feature a neat and tidy up top at times, when I think of Justin Turner, I usually picture him with a mass of unkempt red locks. That’s going to be a distraction for his teammates. When you combine it with his advanced age, he will shed like a German Shepherd. And with such a striking, unique colour, everyone will know whose hair is in their Bio-Steel.
Pro: His Magnificent Red Beard
While the messy mop mounting his melon might be a mistake, you cannot deny the beard. It’s a beard of beauty. It’s richness, it’s fullness...it’s hypnotizing. Obey the Beard. OBEY THE BEARD!
Well, there you go, some of the pros and cons of our newest Designated Hitter. I’m sure I missed some, but please bring those up in the comments below. Oh, and as a note, if any of my (few) numbers are incorrect, then that’s why I usually leave that sort of thing to the Smarty McSmartfaces of the community. Until next time, Obey the Beard.